5 guys on a boat...

Well I just sent my nephew back on the train to Scotland and have 5 mins to write down some of our experiences this week.

As expected we've had some excellent and some poor service this week so I guess I'll just start with Wednesday.

Wednesday: We took my mother up the river to Hampton Court by boat, we met at the station at 9:30 and the first task was to get the tickets, have you tried the self service machines they have in train stations now? couldn't believe how easy it was to buy three one day passes, lovely intuitive interface whack your card in and bingo, well done British Rail.

All ticketed up we headed for the barrier, Kallum has a special pass cos my sister-in-law works for the railways and mum has a pensioner pass so they were sorted and the three one days' covered Margaret, Wendy and Me, the guard let us through and we were off.

I should perhaps mention that mum was in her wheelchair which gave us the opportunity of testing the disabled services everywhere we went.

We trolled down the ramp and waited for a train, I spoke to a guard and said we had a disabled person with us and we would need a ramp, big cheesy smile "no problem mate" I was tempted to ask if this really was British Rail but put it down to individual effort.

The train arrived and the guard duly turned up with a foldable ramp, people were pushing past him as he tried to put it in the door but he took it all in good part, I'd have been tempted to drop it on their feet but hey I'm like that, having finally succeeded in getting the ramp set up we wheeled my mum up it and into the special disabled area, the guard took the ramp away, wished us a great day and sent us off on our way with a smile.

Oh I nearly forgot he asked us where we were going and when I told him Victoria he said he'd ring ahead and get someone to meet us!

We stood around, as usual there were no free seats, and eventually the train pulled into Victoria station, we didn't bother fighting our way to the door as we knew we couldn't get off without a ramp so we let the frantic passengers shove and push each other out of the door before rushing off up the platform, my nephew went and fetched the waiting guard who again put the ramp down with a smile and wished us a good day.

Now I don't know if you were around in the old days of British Rail but I can assure you that this was not the sort of service we all came to expect, anyway on with the story.

We trolled up the platform and out of the station to the taxi rank where I approached the foremost taxi expecting an argument about having 5 in his cab, "5 to Westminster pier please, oh yes and a wheelchair", "sure no problem mate" he pulled over a little further up so we would be out of the way of others and actually got out to help.

We put the chair in the front and squeezed into the back and were off, I told him we were going up the river and he suggested dropping us off a bit further down the embankment as there were stairs at the pier and we'd struggle to get down, as good as his word he dropped us at a ramp rather than the twenty or so stairs.

Again he got out and helped us out with the chair I asked how much and he said £6:50 not bad I thought and tipped him generously.

We pushed mum up to the booking hut and when I reached the front of the queue I was greeted by a spotty youth with a bogey hanging down his shirt, charming. I explained what I wanted and he grudgingly sold me the tickets, when I asked which dock he gestured down the pier and grunted "that way".

We wandered off and found our way at last to dock no5, we were quite thirsty and Kallum and Wendy as usual were hungry so I asked a lovely blonde girl who appeared to work there if there were eating arrangements on the boat?

"I don't know" she said, "you'll have to ask on the boat". Now it transpires that all their boats are fully licensed and sell meals, a good way of increasing revenue as the trip is three hours long, so why was an employee unaware of this basic fact? oh well at least she wasn't rude about it, Kallum and Wendy went off to buy some food and we waited to embark.

After some while they announced that the boat for Kew was the next one along and half the queue disappeared, we made it to the front of the queue and I had to smile when the guy helping people on saw my mum in her wheelchair, poor sod had to help her down onto the deck but he did it with a good grace so I guess he's used to it.

I should perhaps point out that my mum is made much along the same lines as me in that the Japanese have been following her around in their boats for years trying to get a clean shot.

We stowed her chair at the back of the boat and ensconced ourselves in the cabin where we were near the bar but also had a good view out of the windows, the kids popped upstairs on deck and spent most of the trip out in the sunshine, my wife and mother stayed in the cabin and drank tea and I shuttled between them.

Now if you haven't been up the river to Hampton Court by boat I would urge you to make the trip, it was lovely chugging up the river watching the fabulous scenery slide past and listening to the commentary from the captain and drinking tea.

Three hours is a long time to be on a boat but it went by in a flash for me, I don't think the wife enjoyed it quite so much as she almost convinced my mother to come back by train, why is it that women have to be entertained and can't just sit back and enjoy the moment?

We arrived at Hampton Court at 2:30pm and headed off to find a restaurant for lunch, we crossed the bridge and headed for Pizza Express, oh dear, we wandered in and I asked for a table for 5, now 5 covers aint nothing but I still got the down the nose look from the waiter, sadly I was too tired and hungry to go elsewhere so we took our seats, with no help from the waiter to make room for mum's wheelchair.

The waiter distributed menu's and asked if we wanted drinks, we ordered some hand made lemonade and mum as usual had tea, Kallum took one sip of his and said "this tastes like the Thames" and I have to say he was right !

The waiter eventually came back to take our orders and we ordered our pizzas, mum tried to order lasagne but he explained that they had "no means of cooking pasta today" a euphemism for we can't be bothered IMHO so she had a pizza as well.

When the pizzas did eventually turn up and I'm talking 45 minutes later the staff hadn't even bothered to cut them for us so I had to go and borrow a pizza slice and do it myself, they were tough and overcooked, my mum could barely get her teeth through hers, I asked for the bill, paid and we left feeling like we'd been had.

We wandered off to a newsagents for supplies and back to the boat for the trip home, we came back on a different boat to the one on which we had arrived and it wasn't nearly so nice in the cabin, that said it was warm enough and dry and the tea was just as good.

The trip back was much faster than the trip up, the tide was with us and the captain was obviously aware that coming back people just want to get there so he gunned us down the river at a fast rate of knots.

Nautical Measurement
A fathom is 6 feet, the length of rope a man can extend from open arm to open arm. The rope was lowered into the sea to measure depth.
A cable length is the length of a ship's cable, about 600 feet.
A nautical mile is 10 cable lengths, or 6,076 feet.
1 nautical mile = 1.1508 miles
A knot is the measure of speed on water. One knot is 1 nautical mile per hour.

We watched the scenery wizz past and within two hours we were disembarking at Westminster again, hailing a cab was fun but again when we did get one the cabbie was helpful and managed to get us all aboard.

The cab dropped us at the south gate and we strolled straight down onto the platform for home, the guard approached us and let us up a ramp onto the train, where are you getting off he asked and when I told him East Croydon he said he'd be back to let us off again, true to his word he arrived at East Croydon and eventually managed to get his ramp down and let us off.

We took mum back up to the cab stop and dispatched her home with no trouble at all, "I'll look after her mate"

Tired but happy we got on a bus home to cogitate on the different levels of service we'd had and contemplate a chinese take-away for dinner.

John Anslow
http://www.ffriar.com